On Bees and Efs, Part 2: I Danced That Bitch Off Stage!

by bmphibbs

On Bees and Efs

This is a good one. Especially as a follow up to my previous post. I didn’t mean for this to get so long but it did so I’m breaking it up into three parts, each about a very important person in my life. Some stories will be good, some bad. Everyone’s names have been changed because defamation is, you know, not cool but I’m sure most people who know me who read this will know who I’m talking about.

Read the first part here!

My next BF was also a scrawny little guy. Scrawnier, even. We grew to become best friends over a long time. We worked Summer Camp for years, we were both in Hitchiti, we were thick as thieves and nigh inseparable. Einstein, as he will be called, is the damned smartest person I know. The only way he would lose that title is if I met Neil deGrasse Tyson or Bill Nye. He was my first true nerd friend. And I loved it. I had not yet embraced my nerd-self in high school or even college but I could appreciate when he would make reference to über-nerd things like math equations and science terms; for example, referencing linear and exponential growth and decline to illustrate how he felt about the food in the Dining Hall on a particular night. Not everyone got his jokes but I did and I think he appreciated me for it. We knew each other for a few years before we got close. But what made us best friends was a thing that usually drives two guys apart: a girl.

I honestly don’t remember his ex’s name so any name I come up with could or could not be correct. We’ll call her Bitch for the sake of the story. So Einstein starting dating this Bitch. And I was happy for him. From what I remember, this was the first girl he’d really fallen for. I think he might have even lost his virginity to her, it was that deep (pun totally not intended, but accepted.) I supported it because she made Einstein happy. He was bringing her around to hang out with the guys and he even got her a job on Summer Camp Staff the next year. We were at camp one weekend. We had left to go to the movies, like ya do as a teenager, and Einstein and Bitch were in the backseat of my car as I was driving us back at night. That was the Summer that the RENT movie came out so we were listening to the soundtrack and Without You came on. I played romantic chauffeur for them as we made the turn down the dirt road that led to camp. I dimmed the lights inside the car, shut off the headlights, and crawled along the road blasting the sad melodic song so their last romantic moment before having to get back to staff stuff could last as long as possible. Einstein was very appreciative and our best friend status was being forged. Little did we know that not long after that night, the shit would hit the fan.

As the Summer went on, we got to know Bitch more, she spent more time around us, we all had to stay in camp after all, and she really started to get on my nerves. Ho-ly-crap was she dumb! And I was not quiet about it. Einstein and Bitch both knew that she was driving me nuts but they were too in love to be upset about it. They just shook their heads, said “Oh, Bradley!” like it was one of my crazy antics. After a while I lightened up for Einstein’s sake but I knew there was something off about her. A weekend break came during the Summer and a bunch of my buddies and I, and the Bitch, volunteered to stay the weekend to help get ready for the next week of campers. I forget why but Einstein couldn’t stay that weekend so he did possibly the dumbest thing a teenage boy could do, he left his weirdo girlfriend with a group of guys. We went to the movies Saturday night after our work was done and, lo and behold, Bitch was getting really friendly with another staff member.

At this point, I’d like to say that I really wish I could tell you this staff member’s name because it is one of the most unfortunate names ever created. But alas, my hands are tied by the forces of anonymity. I looked up synonyms for this staff member’s name and Philistine is one that came up, which is not too far off from his personality, so I’ll roll with that.

So Bitch and Philistine were getting really friendly and sat next to each other at the movie theatre, separated from the rest of the group. Firstly, the rules laid down at our Summer Camp were that males were not allowed alone with females so that should have never happened. Secondly, as Einstein’s friend, I should have recognized what was going on and tried to get to the bottom of it. But I didn’t want to stick my nose in others’ business and my other friends were lackadaisically sitting by so I didn’t think much of it. Einstein gets back from his less than 24 hours away from camp and Bitch is totally being a Bitch to him. She’s ignoring him and openly flirting with Philistine. Einstein finally confronted Bitch and she explained that she wanted, “Philistine with a little Einstein on the side.” It broke him. And I was there for him. It was late at night and I was consoling Einstein on the steps of the staff dorms while he cried it out. That was the cement that sealed the deal for our friendship.

Now, the story of Einstein and Bitch does not stop there. Bitch had also joined Hitchiti and, like a Bitch, stayed involved after they broke up just to make Einstein suffer (I can’t substantiate that but that’s what I’d like to think.) Bitch took to Indian dancing quite well, as a matter of fact, and soon her parents bought her an $800 hand made Women’s Fancy Dance outfit. There was much contention over this because Dancers usually make their own outfits or have someone they know make them for them. Sure, some stuff is too difficult to make, like bustles or a roach, and can be bought. But when you have a workforce of parents doing nothing but sewing and beading every week at dance practice, there is no reason to get a whole ready made outfit on eBay! So just like that she became the flashiest girl dancer in the group. And to feed her ego even more, she was elected as the female youth Chief.

We had this dance called the Roller Coaster that we would sometimes end performances with. The dancers form a line of guys and a line of girls and run through the audience for one last cheer with a quick pow wow jam for a about 30 seconds. At which point, dancers are supposed to file out leaving the youth Chiefs of the Hitchiti alone to take the final bow. Bitch was a Chief, yeah, but she was only part of the group for less than a year and she frigging bought her outfit! She didn’t spend the years of practice to perfect her dance or suffer the sore fingers it takes to painstakingly sew those sequins on, damnit! She hadn’t earned that outfit or the right to be called a Chief.

Now, I don’t remember how I devised this plan but one performance we went into the Roller Coaster and I was on a mission. We’re in the final pow wow and I’ve got my eyes on her like a hawk. Dancers start to file out and it’s just me, her, and our male Chief left. I dance up as close as I can to her. She takes a jaunting step toward me and I put up my arm to block her from knocking me down. I yell, “Get off the stage!” and we move off together while the male Chief takes the bow he’s earned. I danced that Bitch off stage!! Einstein and I celebrated and I was scolded by our adult leadership but it didn’t matter. I avenged my best friend’s broken heart that day.

Einstein and I stayed friends for a long time after until we split for college. Not that anything bad happened, we just grew apart, like a lot of friends do. He’s off being smart all over the world now. He gives speeches and lectures on his research in mathematics but I’ll always remember that night he cried like a baby about a Bitch who broke his heart. I miss you, bro!

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