The Legend of Doubt: The Reaper of Positivity

by bmphibbs

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I wrote a couple of weeks ago in my first post that I’d discovered a cheat code for the video game of life. I’ve been trying to start a new job. Well, I’ve started a new job, and I suck at it. I sell insurance. After being pushed as hard as possible by my girlfriend to do as much work as I can as often as I can do it, thus turning me into an Ogre, we came up with a better plan that I would only make calls (yes, I’m one of *those* insurance salespeople that call you when you least expect it and try to force a script down your throat) on my days off from my other job as a butcher (which I technically can’t call myself since I don’t have the title nor the pay scale but I’m still expected to do the requisite work.) So that was the cheat code: have a workable plan to get my ball rolling on this exciting and fortune-filled career.

The problem with that is now I have to actually use the cheat code. Which I was doing just fine, I was happy and motivated and making calls (Hi! This is Bradley and I just know you want to hear what I have to say!!) This past weekend, though, I turned a corner and came upon one of my oldest and strongest foes: Doubt, the Reaper of Positivity. I didn’t know it was Doubt at first, he takes many forms, and this time it was the form of a small seemingly weak little pest. I got into a tiff with my girlfriend over the weekend, nothing work or financial related, we simply couldn’t decide on where to go to eat. I let my emotions get the best of me over this small dispute and since then I’ve been nothing but unhappy and unmotivated since.

I thought I could handle the small weak demon but before I knew it, Doubt revealed its true form. Doubt casts the Spell of Second-Guessing which implants tiny creatures inside your head that do nothing but whisper evil thoughts, “You’re doing it all wrong,” “You can’t sell insurance,” “You’re not good enough for her,” “Your friends and family are laughing at you,” “Why don’t you just stop breathing?” Doubt also wields the Sledgehammer of Self-Loathing. A direct hit with both and I am reduced to a sad angry little boy crying in the shower in the fetal position. Doubt had struck again and now, two days into this work week, my confidence meter is on empty and those little creatures in my head are keeping me from doing the work I need to.

It’s amazing how such a small disagreement can effect me so. Doubt just has to hit me once and my brain falls apart and I’m in his trap. I will go from disagreeing on where to eat, to feeling like no one listens to me, to wondering why I don’t have any friends, to being a failure in everything I try to do, to thinking it would be better if I didn’t exist. Every time.

I’ve fought Doubt all my life and I still haven’t beaten him. He knocks me out and tosses me on his depression-fueled roller coaster that corkscrews down the Abyss of Eternal Suffering where I am currently taking up residence (it’s actually kinda nice, once you get used to it.) But if anyone has some Happy Thought Potions to spare, I sure could use a few.

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